First blog post

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Completely lost

Last night me and my husband had another conversation , he is completely resentful. He said he will go to therapy with me and that if the therapist has a magic wand it my help us.

I am so  lost, I told him last night , how he swore on our wedding day to be with me for better and for worst , and in sickness and in health. My husband is doing everything for me to hate him.  But despite all the bad words I love him so very much. It breaks my heart to pieces. The most of all I am worry about my little boy, who is so involve with my husband. It will break his little hear the shred his mind.

My husband promised us /me and my little boy that once we married he will never leave us that once we move it will be for good, that he won’t need to change another school.

My life is falling apart and I don’t know what to do. I had too take sleeping pills last night as I was crying myself to sleep. Sleeping next to my husband was so difficult, I curled up in a little ball and and I thing i finally passed out from exhaustions.  Last night my anxiety kicked in and I had another panic attack  , I was physically sick. All this nasty things he said , don’t make me love him less. I know my husband is still somewhere there.

We going to see the therapist on Wednesday its a first visit before we start . I really hope he can help us.

My life was so messed up before I met him, I had no one , my husband come with a beautiful large family and now he is gonna take this away from me.  I wish I could just wake up and all of this would be just a horrible dream.

I wish some one could give us a medication for this and make us happy again. I am so upset , and I think I cried out a sea of tears by now. I feel alone and no one to talk to.

Spoke to my mum this morning and completely broke down in tears, she is clueless on what might have happened between us.

My husband was promising me everything and now he is just turning his back on me, he says he wants a week off and then take a day at the time and see if he wants to come back, what do I do  ??

How do I let him go not knowing if he ever comes back?

A.X

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Another Day

It was a difficult weekend , all my emotions were dancing, from low to high, my anxiety turned to frustration. On Friday my work asked me to take some time off to sort myself out.  As of today I got sign off for a month.  Well today  is day 1, I started it with exercise , and little tiredness helped me to dispose  of some of my emotions. I spoke to my husband this morning , I am afraid of loosing him, but he is so angry and doesn’t know how to control it, he is so miserable and horrible to me.  The man I love so much is turning to a bitter angry shell.  But I still love him, I care about him. I miss him so much. I know he is tired and frustrated that he needs space.  I will try so hard to give him space.  Despite the fact I feel so neglected and lost.

I want him to be able to trust me and fall in love with me again. Sometimes I feel like he is trying to be a bachelor again, on his own , do what he wants.

I am terrified about our son, how would he take the heartbreaking news if he decides to leave.

I feel so alone, all I want is his kiss and cuddle , and kind words, I want him to see me as a woman I was , strong undefeated , independent.

I am struggling so much lately , I was speaking to a counter today to set up our marriage counselling , and I almost broke in tears. When I was at my GP , I cried infant of the Dr who was taking care of me.

 

I don’t think I ever was so terrified to lose a man in my life. I not only lose him, but his family and nephews and niece .

 

What do I do  ??

 

A. X

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Day 2 – Morning

I woke up in more or less ok mood,  can’t stop thinking how to fix my marriage, how afraid I am of losing my husband.  I want my husband to see this through, to forgive me for helping me get better.  He said that I don’t need him but he is mistaken, I have no one to lean on, He was always my support when I was looking for a new job when we moved when I finally got my dream job.

All I want him to forgive me.

Then my mother started messaging my husband and things turned from ok to cope with too bad. I am at work with tons of task at hand and all I can do is think and over analyze, I feel like I am falling and unsure when I will hit the bottom.  My husband is taking me to the therapist on Monday, I really hope there is a cure for me.  For my marriage. I told him how i felt today again, I told him that him being negative is not helping, I told him that  I need us to start over and try to be there one for another and laugh together.

I know he is at work, but I can’t wait to get a message from him. I can’t wait to feel again how much he loves me. This waiting time is killing me.  I would love to have hope that we can repair this.

I start praying today, praying so hard that God can hear me.  I don’t know who to turn to anymore.  !!

 

X

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Day 1 – Evening

Yesterday evening –   all day I couldn’t find myself a place , rattled, unsure,  worried.  My husband wasn’t texting me as he usually does. This put me into even more sour mood, overthinking anxiety, despite the fact I knew where he was.  Then something weird happened I had a meeting with my team, I was myself again. Just for that one hour.  I felt like I can be positive again and try to work through this.  However, after the meeting, my husband send me a message and again we had an argument.

I feel so lost when we argue, I love him, so much and I know what I have done over the weekend was bad, done but I felt like no one is listening to me anymore, I felt like  I am asking for help but there is no response.  And I lashed out.  Lashed out bad don know what I was thinking but in that one moment, I really believed everyone would be better without me. So I did something stupid If it wasn’t for my sister and her boyfriend,   I don’t know how bad it would be.  My husband is losing with me, he is falling out of love with me and I am helpless.

I know I made a mistake, but people forgive each other worst things. Fight with him send me off to the negativity again, the whole journey home I was so anxious, couldn’t sit still or look at my phone or watch a movie as I usually do.  This is the horrible feeling. all your body responds to what your head is thinking.

I have finally told my parents the truth,  about finances, well they weren’t impressed.

But it kind of made me feel better.  I then spoke to my husband when he woke up and try to tell him how I feel.

We went to bed not even touching each other –  I think this is the hardest thing ad we both very affectionate people. I miss him so much  !!!

 

 

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Day 1

I woke up today, bit anxious and unsure. I took quite a lot of me to to get dressed and get my son ready for school. But I know I need to power through this and start thinking positively.  I am still taking anty anxiety medication. Which helps me to deal with the physical symptoms of my I will be calling it  IT. 

I really need to make adjustments to my behaviour  and to the way I am thinking . 

I will try to set myself goals everyday. And learn to communicate with my husband. And care for my child so well that no one could say a bad thing.

My goal for today is to get through working day . I want sit at work and try to concentrate solely on my tasks in hand. When I get home I will cook a dinner for my boys  do homework with my son and and give my husband space so he can study for his test. I will be doing my tests to . As I need to become independent as I used to was. 

I want to see how many of this I can achive today. I Shell check in latter. 

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How do I get myself better?

I decided to start his blog , because I am feeling really lost within myself and at the point of loosing my husband. 

My life was never easy. But I finally met a man who become everything to me. An amazing father to my son and a wonderful  husband. We got married in July 2016. I never been happier. 
We moved house to new place so have fresh start. 

No 7 months in to my marriage I realised I become unbearable.  Selfish, controlling, obsessive, horrible and nasty. And last weekend I have finally hit the rock  bottom. 

I was so angry that I hurt everyone around me.

My husband is trying but he is at the end of his wits. And I can’t face to loose him. 

He recons I am getting in to a very depressive state where I just lash out. He gave me 30 days to save our marriage.  And I do everything  in my power to do so. I want to be this woman again who he fall in love with and who he loved so very much on our wedding day. 

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